Why is feedback—whether it’s negative feedback or constructive criticism—so tough for most of us to take?

When we receive feedback that we don’t agree with, the tendency is to get defensive, to explain, to make excuses, to try to invalidate it, to deny it, to be offended by it, and even to resent the person giving it.

Continue reading below to to find out why that is -- and what we can do to be better at -- and make the most of -- the feedback we receive.

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My recent post on the Feedback Sandwich technique prompted a few readers to ask questions like this:

Most articles on feedback focus on how to deliver it more effectively, but what about when you’re the one on the receiving end? Do you have any tips on how to be better at receiving feedback?

Ah . . . that’s a good one. And a tough one.

Speaking for myself, I love getting criticism and feedback, and am completely open to receiving it any time, any place…as long as it’s positive and complimentary. When it’s not . . . um . . . let’s just say that I’m not quite as receptive. Nor are most people.

Why is that? Why is feedback—whether it’s negative feedback or constructive criticism—so tough for most people to take? When we receive feedback that we don’t agree with, the tendency is to get defensive, to explain, to make excuses, to try to invalidate it, to deny it, to be offended by it, and even to resent the person giving it.

Your Brain at Work

I just finished reading an amazing book, Your Brain at Work, by David Rock, who explains the neuroscience behind why we react emotionally (and sometimes irrationally) to feedback that we don’t agree with or don’t want to hear.

In brief, our primitive brains are biologically wired to perceive feedback as a threat. Not to get too technical or neurological, but the amygdala—the fear center (referred to often by author Seth Godin as our “lizard brain”)—intuitively senses feedback as a threat and does anything possible to avoid it.

Rock compares the feelings that feedback triggers to that sick-to-the-stomach, hair-standing-up-on the-back-of-your-neck fear you might experience when walking alone down a dark, scary alley and hearing footsteps quickly sneaking up behind you. The sensation that we are about to be attacked. The feeling that our lives are in mortal danger. That’s what feedback can feel like. And when we receive negative feedback, we are, in fact, at risk, especially when we feel our confidence, our self-esteem, and our sense of self are under attack.

It’s the “fight, flight, or freeze” response in action. That’s why, when receiving negative feedback (or sometimes even positive and constructive feedback), we may respond by lashing out in defensiveness, running (or storming) away, or standing there, speechless, in shock and disbelief.

The Five Threats

David Rock's now-classic acronym, SCARF, clearly and effectively captures the five ways that feedback may serve to threaten our state of being:

Status: Getting feedback may feel as if we are being spoken down to and that our status or position relative to that other person is being threatened. A boss’s saying something as simple as, “I need to see you in my office” can trigger a feeling of heart-stopping terror . . . and make you feel two feet tall.

Certainty: When we receive feedback, especially if it is unexpected, it could create feelings of uncertainty and confusion. You thought you did such a great job on that presentation, but now the feedback has made you doubt your abilities and shaken your self-confidence.

Autonomy: When we receive feedback that puts into question the decisions and choices we’ve made, not only might we start to doubt our own judgment, but we may now fear that our freedom and empowerment might be taken away.

Relatedness: When we receive feedback from someone, it could impact our relationship with that person. “How could you say that? I thought you liked me. I thought you were on my side. Is that what you REALLY think of me?”

Fairness: Have you ever received feedback from someone and felt misjudged, misunderstood, or unfairly evaluated? If you’ve had the reaction “That’s just not fair. That’s not true. You’ve got me all wrong!” then you know how it feels to have your sense of fairness threatened.

So, now that we know WHY feedback might be perceived as a threat to our personal well-being, and that it’s a completely natural, neurological, biological response, what can we do about it?

Making Feedback Work for You

1. Try to keep an open mind, consider the source and the intention, and keep things in perspective. Don’t react or overreact; just take the feedback in. With the self-awareness you now have about WHY feedback feels like an attack, it might be a little easier (over time, with practice!) to be more open to receiving the feedback objectively.

2. Though it’s natural to react emotionally (especially when under stress), try not to get defensive. Even though it may feel like you are being attacked when the feedback’s coming from multiple people simultaneously, be open to the feedback, let it settle in, and then decide what you want to do with it.

3. Feedback is a source of knowledge. Though some things may be difficult to hear or to admit, keep in mind the value of knowing. If you were about to go on stage to deliver a presentation, and you had a “Kick Me” sign on your back, toilet paper stuck to your shoe, and your fly was open, wouldn’t you be better off knowing than not knowing? At least now you can do something about it.

4. When you get vague, general, ambiguous feedback (e.g., “You need to do much better next time”), seek out specifics. Ask for suggestions on how you might improve. Confusing feedback is worse than no feedback at all. You could even request that the person start with something positive before getting to the constructive criticism. Encourage them to use the Feedback Sandwich with you!

5. Change your mindset about feedback. Reframe it as a developmental opportunity rather than a criticism of you personally. Recognize that while the tendency (basic human nature) is to focus on the negative, it is equally important to validate your strengths and leverage what you’ve done well.

6. After receiving feedback, take some time to let it sink in, and think strategically on what to do with it and where to go from here. Remember: Unless something is a real emergency that is causing serious, immediate problems, you don’t have to change or fix everything—or anything—overnight! In fact, it’s almost impossible. Continuous improvement is an on-going process and a lifelong journey. And feedback is a mechanism that will help you to stay on course and moving ever-forward. Without it, how will you know how well you’re doing?

The Gift

There’s an old saying that “Feedback is a gift.” And like any gift we receive, we can choose to toss it in the trash, or we can appreciate the thought behind it. Perhaps when we unwrap that gift, when we have a chance to sit alone with it and ponder it, we’ll find a nugget of truth hidden somewhere inside that box; one that we need to seriously consider.

And, if that is the case, that feedback is, indeed, a gift, very often the best, and the only, response necessary, is these two simple words: “Thank you.” 

How much of your time at work are YOU spending in each quadrant?

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“People do best, what they like best to do.”

That’s an old adage by Frederick W. Taylor, the original efficiency expert and management guru. Seems like common sense, doesn’t it? And yet, so many people hate their jobs. So why is that? What's going on?

The Passion/Skill Matrix may help to explain...

Think about your hobbies. You know, the things you do for fun. Whatever it is, whether it’s playing a sport, a musical instrument, practicing a craft, or whatever, you probably do it for at least one of the following two reasons: you’re good at it and/or you enjoy it. Otherwise, why do it?

If you love doing something, let’s say, playing the guitar or the piano or drums – even if you’re not very good at it – you’re going to pick it up and fiddle around with it, spending your spare time practicing, and watching and listening to others play, all in the hope of getting better. Even if you’re not that great and know you’re probably never going to play in a band, you still do it because it’s fun.

Similarly, if you’re good at something, even if it’s balancing your checkbook, you may not love doing it, but because you’re skilled in math and it comes quick-and-easy to you, you don’t really mind doing it. Or maybe you do?

So, what about something that you love doing AND you’re good at it? Now you’ve hit the magic bulls eye: your passions and your skills are in alignment! Let’s say you love playing tennis and you discovered years ago that you’re pretty good at it. Most likely, with this combination of passion and skill, you enjoyed watching tennis on TV to see how the pros do it, didn’t mind hitting a tennis ball against the wall thousands of times, and got a rush from playing every chance you got.

Over time, your skills grew. And as your skills grew, so did your confidence, which led to your taking on tougher challenges, practicing more, winning against better and better opponents, having fun competing and winning, and enjoying your increased success. No, you’re probably not going to play tennis in the U.S. Open, but you’re at a level that you are proud of and enjoy as you keep working on taking your game to the next level.

Now, what about when you are stuck doing something that you are not good at, and do not like doing? How successful do you think you are going to be?

Probably not very.

And, yet, this describes a lot of people’s jobs. So how does this happen?

Here’s how it happened to me: A number of years ago, I was out of work for a while when I was offered an amazing job as the VP of Business Development and head of the New York office for a leading west coast interactive agency. I was so honored to be hired by, and excited to be working for, this innovative company, and was looking forward to taking on the challenge of helping them to grow their east coast business.

But once the initial excitement wore off, the job itself ended up being much tougher for me than I ever expected. I started just around the time of the dot-com crash when finding new business instantly became tougher and tougher. And, unfortunately, I quickly discovered the hard way that I did not possess the abilities or the personality type required to succeed in this kind of role – especially in this type of market environment.

And, so, as time went on and as I continued to fail, my stress level rose, and I began to like this job less and less, until I could not even bear to get up for work in the morning.

If you’ve ever had a job that you didn’t like AND that you were not good at, you know what I’m talking about. I was set up to fail every day, through nobody’s fault but my own, and I just wanted out. Getting laid off, despite my feeling of loss as I loved the company and the people, actually ended up being a huge relief.

In almost every job, there are going to be aspects of your position that you enjoy doing, and things that you don't. And, there are going to be things that you are good (or even great) at, and things that you are not.

So, the key to success is finding the right balance.

For example, in my current role as head of a management and leadership consulting, training, and coaching firm, I love and feel that I’m pretty good at the consulting, training, and coaching part. What I don’t love, and am not that great at, is the actual running of the business itself (especially, the financial and administrative side).

So, what to do about it?

Taking a look at the Passion/Skill Matrix model, and thinking about YOUR job:

1. Make a list of all the different things you do on a regular basis; and then break them up into four categories: Things you are GOOD/GREAT at; things that you are NOT Good at; things that you LIKE/LOVE doing; and things that you DON'T Enjoy doing. If you like to quantify things, you can even score each one of these items on a scale of 1-10. 

2. Next, draw a 4-box matrix like the one above, and place each of these items in one of the four boxes. For example, let's say you are good at and enjoy writing blog posts, put that in the upper right quadrant. If you like drawing, but are not that great at it, put that in the upper left. If you're good at math, but don't enjoy it, put that in the lower right. And if you hate cooking and are not good at it, put that in the lower left.

Now, lastly, let's look at the four-quadrant matrix to ask the "So what?/So that!" question: How can I use this model to be more successful?

Your SWEET SPOT - The things that you Like/Love and are Good At: If you have a lot in that box, you’re incredibly lucky! Try to spend as much time as possible on these things. This is where the intersection of your skills and passions lie, and where you have the greatest potential to leverage your strengths and go from good to great. When you're working on things that fall into this category, time flies, ideas flow, your energy is high, and you're in your element...so spread your wings and fly!

Your GROWTH ZONE - The things that you Like or Love to do, but are NOT great at...yet: This is a wonderful developmental opportunity! If you like something, or feel you have potential in this area, you are more likely to work at it by learning more about it, studying, practicing, and seeking out training and coaching. Einstein once said that, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” If you’re passionate about it, keep working at it. You never know how far you might get unless you try. And notice the powerful difference between saying, "I'm not good at that" vs. "I'm not good at that...yet." By simply adding that simple word "yet," you open up the world of possibilities.

Your DEFAULT ZONE - The things that you Don’t Like to do, but are Good At: Perhaps it’s something you used to like doing, or you just became the “go to” person by default because it comes naturally to you and everyone knows it. Well, this is a great developmental opportunity – for someone else! Here’s where you might be able to outsource, delegate, or take on the role of a mentor or coach to help someone else develop skills in this area. This is a win-win opportunity that will help someone else to grow while freeing you up to do other things...so you can spend more time "above the line" (i.e., in your Growth Zone and/or Sweet Spot).

Your FAILURE ZONE - And, lastly, the things that you Don’t Like (or Hate!) to do, AND are Not Good At: This is your “Failure Zone”…and you need to do whatever it takes to get out of this box as soon as you can. Again, we all have aspects of our jobs that we may not love, but if you are spending more than 25% of your time in this box, you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of pain and suffering. And, to be honest, if you’re in a job that you really, truly don’t like and that you are really, truly not good at, you’re not doing your employer any favors by staying in this role. Sometimes we stay just for the paycheck, but it’s really hard to sustain that over the long haul. And it’s ultimately going to take its toll on your physical and mental health. So, whatever it takes, you need to try to get yourself out of this box.

Although...one other important thing to think about regarding your Failure Zone: Have you ever considered that this Zone might, potentially, be your greatest area of opportunity? You identify things as belonging in your Failure Zone because you are not good at it and don't like it. But think about it this way: What if you TRIED...and got better at it? And once you got better at it, you didn't hate it quite as much. And now that you don't hate it as much, you are willing to try it again, finding that, with experience, you find youself inching your way up, in this area, out of the Failure Zone until it now -- magically -- resides in your Growth Zone! From there, once you've broken through the box you had put yourself in, could this potentially become part of your Sweet Spot? Only time will tell...but it is entirely within your power to make it happen...if you are willing to open your heart and your mind to the world of possibility. Think about it: How many of your Sweet Spot skills were once part of your Growth Zone, or even your Failure Zone? My guess: Probably MOST of them! 

Lastly, as Dan Pink writes in his book Drive and as he speaks about in this amazing RSAnimate video, people are happiest and most productive when they have three key, intangible things: Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose. If you are lucky enough to find a job where you spend most of your time with the freedom and flexibility to make your job your own (autonomy); in an environment that allows you to grow and develop into the best you can be (mastery); while doing work that matters (purpose), that’s when you’ve got it made.

As they say, “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.”

END

The Hired Guns editor, Ryan Galloway, asked my thoughts regarding this challenging (and infuriating!) dilemma, and here's what I had to say.

The Question: 

I’m a marketing associate at [a media company]. I’ve only been out of school for two years, and I really want to move up in my career. I’m not sure how to do that, because my boss is taking credit for my work! She literally–and repeatedly–takes the work I do and tells the executives that she did it. Not that she asked me to do it, but that she did it! Once she even told them that she had to do it because I wasn’t capable of doing it—and I was sitting right there! I’ve asked her about it, but she just said “that’s how the real world works.” I’ve considered talking to HR or her boss (or both), but I’ve heard a lot of conflicting advice about that. I work very hard and I really want to advance, but I don’t feel like I can if this keeps happening.  Help!!!

Signed, Miserable in Marketing

Our response:

Quit.

No, I don’t mean right now. I mean start looking for another gig ASAP, and tough it out with your crappy boss until you find one. And I don’t mean to be flippant. I’ve been in a similar situation, and it was wretched beyond belief. The reason my response is so short is because quitting is really your only option. I posed your question to our very own Todd Cherches, a man who knows a thing or two about horrible bosses. He summed it masterfully:

“One of a boss’s primary responsibilities should be to set his/her people up for success. Part of doing that is managing them, training them, coaching them, and leading them,” Cherches said. “This includes recognizing and rewarding them for their contributions by acknowledging their work and giving credit both publicly and privately where credit is due. Strong, confident, and effective managers/leaders take pride in the success of their people and are happy to sing their praises. It creates a win-win situation and is at the foundation of employee engagement.”

“But that doesn’t seem to be the case with this horrible boss. Her quote, ‘that’s how the real world works’ pretty much sums it up. But you know what? That is NOT how the ‘real world’ works—that is how it works in the world of this miserable tyrant. Since people like this rarely change their stripes, it’s probably time to move on to a new and better world. Based on my personal experience, going above their head or to HR with situations like this rarely works. It generally just leads to your boss finding out and then treating you even worse.”

And there you have it. Since you’re not going to be able to correct your boss’s bad behavior—and since your boss likely has direct control over whether or not you get promoted—you’re essentially in a no-win scenario. Find a new job and don’t look back. Consider this a valuable life lesson: now you can spot a terrible boss from a mile away.

One of your co-workers gets so much work done in a day it makes your head spin, but she tends to steamroll over everyone in the process.

Another co-worker is great with details and never misses a trick, but he tends to over-analyze everything and takes forever to make a simple decision.

One of your other co-workers is a nice person and a great listener and teammate. But by trying to please everyone, she fails to please anyone.

Yet another is always enthusiastic, fun to work with, and has a million ideas. Too bad he’s all over the place and never seems to follow up, follow through, or finish anything.

In their classic “Social Styles” model, Robert and Dorothy Bolton labeled the four personality types mentioned above as: Driver, Analytical, Amiable, and Expressive. Of these four types, which person would you most prefer to work with and why? Which one drives you insane? And, perhaps most importantly, which one are YOU?

1. Driver
“Let’s go! Let’s get the job done right now!” She is direct, decisive, and determined. She loves a challenge, is willing to take risks, works at a fast pace, and is all about getting results. However, the Driver can also be seen as impatient, insensitive, dictatorial, and domineering. You want Drivers on your team because they don’t stop til the work is done, but you better be ready to get out of their way.

2. Analytical
“Let’s get the job done — but let’s get it done right!” He is precise, logical, careful, and methodical. Slow and steady wins the race, and nothing slips through the cracks. The Analytical dots every i, crosses every t, and plays by the rules. But by striving for perfection, his “over-analysis paralysis” can often hold things up and drive everyone nuts.

3. Amiable
“Let’s get the job done, but let’s focus on the people!” She is warm, approachable, friendly, inclusive, a good listener, a peacemaker, and a team player. The Amiable is a people-pleaser who genuinely cares about others, doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and seeks to make others happy. While focusing on people and relationships, however, she can often lose sight of the task at hand and fail to get things done in a timely manner. When the Amiable asks, “How was your weekend?” they’re not just being polite – they really do care and actually want to know.

4. Expressive
“Let’s get this done! We can do it!” He is energized and energizing, a big-picture thinker, optimistic, visionary, cheerleader, and juggler of numerous things at once. But in his enthusiasm, the Expressive may sometime lose sight of reality. Since he tries to do too much at once, the Expressive often has trouble focusing and is all over the map. He’s excited about the journey, but often doesn't reach the final destination (though he does tend to have a good time along the way).

We all possess aspects of each of the four styles, but we tend to gravitate toward one or two of them. My primary style is Analytical – I love to read and write, analyze issues, design creative solutions, and solve problems. But as a person who runs his own business, I also need to be proactive and decisive — a Driver. As a presenter, facilitator, and professor, when up in front of the room I need to be Expressive. And as an executive coach working one-on-one with my clients, I need to be Amiable.

So the key is to "Know thyself" and be able to leverage one's strengths...but also be able to push ourselves beyond our default style as situations and relationships warrant. To do so takes emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and self-regulation, as well as empathy and social skills. All of which can be developed and improved...if you are willing to work at it!

Each style brings with it its relative advantages and disadvantages. As an Analytical-Driver, I'm a big -- and fast -- reader, researcher, and critical thinker. I process information quickly and am decisive...with an emphasis and priority on getting things done right the first time -- in the most efficient and effective way possible; the way I think is the best way. Sometimes the only way. :) In the process of driving forward at a relentless speed with a goal of maximum efficiency, however, I may sometimes overlook (and over-run) people and relationships. But since I’m aware of this, I’m able to modify my behavior accordingly. Sometimes. Alright...occasionally. Actually, almost never. (But at least I am aware of it! :)

Making it Work
Self-awareness is critical, but it’s only part of the equation. To truly connect with, get along with, collaborate with, and influence others, we need to start by trying to identify their primary and secondary styles...and then adjust our behavior accordingly -- both to the person (or people) and to the situation.

So, when dealing with:

• Drivers: Cut the small talk, pick up the pace, and get right down to business.
• Analyticals: Make sure you did your homework. Prove that you know your stuff, and be prepared to defend your position with logic, facts, data, and evidence.
• Amiables: Find common ground. Care. Connect with them on a personal level. And build trust.
• Expressives: Demonstrate your enthusiasm. Pump up your energy, your pace, and your passion.

Lastly, as you can probably guess, the best teams are composed of a mix of all four styles. Since our natural tendency is to gravitate towards (and to hire) people who are just like us, with this awareness we can better leverage the power of diversity and inclusion. 

When Drivers, Analyticals, Amiables, and Expressives work together in a spirit of awareness, openness, understanding, and collaboration, you’ll find that as a “T.E.A.M,” Together Everyone Achieves More.

In this Forbes.com article by Ryan Galloway, Todd is quoted on his thoughts related to generational differences in the workplace with a focus on the issues involved when Gen Y Millennials manage older (Gen X, Baby Boomer, and Traditionalist) employees:

Todd Cherches, co-founder and CEO of the management consulting firm BigBlueGumball, frequently encounters young professionals in manager- or even director-level roles.

"A lot of Millennials have moved up the ladder very quickly,” said Cherches. “They’re in positions that wouldn’t have been open to them 10 or 15 years ago. Many companies have realized that Millennials have a distinct set of skills, and they want to capitalize on that.”

Click here to read the rest of this interesting thought piece on one of today's most prevalent and emotionally-charged workplace challenges.