Quick! Who’s the best manager you’ve ever worked for? Picture him or her in your mind. Now think: what made you pick this person?

OK, now: Who was the worst manager you’ve ever had? Do the same thing: visualize working for this person while thinking about what made them so horrible.

I can’t guarantee it, but if I had to guess, one of the key differences between these two people was that the good manager actually listened to you, while the bad one didn’t.

Am I right?

When the good manager listened to you, how did it make you feel? Valued? Validated? Respected? Trusted? Confident? Engaged? Empowered? Smart?

And how did the bad manager make you feel most of the time? Probably the exact opposite.

So if you’re a manager — or even if you’re not — look yourself in the mirror and answer this question honestly: Are you a good listener?

More importantly, if you asked other people that question, what would they say about you? If you’re interested in becoming a better manager -- and a more effective leader -- you might find it valuable to revisit how, how often, and how well you listen.

When we do 360 degree evaluations, "Listening" is very often one of the categories that most managers rate themselves the highest in...while others around them rate them the lowest. In other words -- this is where we find the biggest gap: Between the ears. 

Good Leaders Listen

Early in my career, I temped in the PR department of a major Hollywood studio. Despite the excitement of working on a studio lot, the job, itself, was mind-numbingly boring, consisting mostly of answering phones, taking messages, and making copies. If you’ve ever temped, you know what that’s like to sit there all day, watching the minutes drag by, while your brain turns to mush. Especially if you aspire to doing something a little more creative and stimulating with your life.

One afternoon, one of the department managers came running out of her office, frantically looking for a PR rep to proofread and edit an urgent press release that needed to go out.

Finding the office empty (with the exception of yours truly sitting there doing nothing), she barked at me: “Where the hell is everybody?” I told her that they were all out to lunch, but that I’d be more than happy to take a crack at it. Without even looking at me, she snarled: “What are you talking about? You can’t do this: you’re just a temp.”

I tried to tell her that I had a B.A. in English, a Master’s degree in Communication, and a year’s experience working for a top New York ad agency, but she just didn’t have any interest at all in listening to me. She left the press release draft on my desk, told me to give it to the first PR rep I saw, and dashed out to a meeting.

The press release draft was a mess. It was badly written, poorly structured, and filled with grammatical and spelling errors. With nothing else to do, I took it upon myself to re-write it...just as an exercise to alleviate my boredom.

When one of the PR reps finally got back, I explained the situation to him and gave him both the original copy and my revised version — without telling him I was the one who did it. His response regarding my revision: "This looks fine -- what's the problem -- just send it out!" So they sent my version out to print...without making a single edit. And no one ever knew -- or asked -- who did it.

This department was always short-handed, overworked, and in need of help. And I was right there in front of them -- ready, willing, and able. I tried numerous times to bring this to their attention, but my offers to assist went unheard, as no one was willing to listen.

A week later, I was hired -- full-time -- to work as an assistant to a comedy writer/producer at Disney. On my first day on the job, I asked him what made him hire me over three other candidates with stronger resumes. His response: “During the interview, you asked really good questions. And no one else did. You struck me as a good listener; and I need someone who knows how to listen.”

So, asking and listening -- not telling -- is what got me that job.

And I soon discovered that having a manager who was willing to listen to me made him a pleasure to work for. 

The simple lesson: To be a better manager – or just a better human being – it doesn't hurt to try being a better listener.

8 Quick Tips for Becoming a Better Listener: L-I-S-T-E-N-U-P!

Look at the person: Make eye contact. Pay attention to facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. There’s an old saying that we have two ears and one mouth, so we should spend twice as much time listening as talking. Management guru Peter Drucker said that “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” And that can only happen if we make the time, and take the time, to truly stop, look, and listen.

Inquire: Ask questions. Ask follow-up questions. Delve deeper. Seek examples. Use paraphrasing and summary clarification to validate understanding. When someone asks you a question, don’t just answer the question — care enough to answer the question behind the question. And when you listen to the response, actively listen to gain true understanding...rather than just selectively listening or listening to respond.

Show that you’re interested: When someone is talking to you, it’s important to physically demonstrate that you value the speaker -- as well as what’s being spoken. Put yourself in their shoes, try to see things from their point of view, and listen with empathy. Engage them in dialogue to make them feel like they’re the most important person in the room. But it must be done genuinely and sincerely -- or it doesn't count. People can see right through you when you're faking it.

Treat the person with respect: Even if you disagree with what they're saying, and may not even like the person, show respect for their viewpoint, and express appreciation for their candor and their contributions. Seek to connect with them on a human level, and on an equal level – person-to-person – regardless of title, status or position -- even if you are more knowledgeable or experienced. If you treat them with dignity and respect, you will earn their trust and respect in return. And that will open up the lines of communication even further.

Encourage the other person: Engage them in dialogue and empower them to speak their mind without hesitancy, self-censorship, or fear of retribution. Create an environment of dialogue, exchange, interaction, openness, honesty, self-disclosure, vulnerability, and trust. Especially when communicating with an introvert, as it may take a little more to get them to open up.

Never make someone regret that they opened up to you: Once you lose the person's trust and damage or destroy the relationship, it’s almost impossible to get it back. Allow the other person to be vulnerable, and be willing to display your vulnerability as well. Maintain confidences and confidentiality. Don’t gossip or talk behind anyone’s back. And follow the “Vegas Rule”: What’s said here, stays here.

Understanding is your primary objective: It’s not enough to simply hear the words being said; you must get at the meaning and the intent of those words. Listen not only with your ears, but with your eyes, your brain, your head, and your heart. When listening, it's not all about YOU; it's all about the other person.

Put your smartphone down: This might be our biggest obstacle to true listening in this day and age. We’re so busy with our devices that we ignore the person (or people) right in front of us. Ask yourself: Is the person on the other end of your device more important than the person (or people) right there in the room with you? If not, put the phone down. Seriously, put it down. Face down. Or in a pocket or drawer or briefcase. Be present. Be focused. Be here now. And give the person speaking to you your undivided attention. Isn’t that what you would want? We both know it is.

In closing, many managers feel and act as if their job is to do all the talking and to have all the answers. But the best leaders know that they don't. They recognize the value and the power of leveraging the collective brain power of the people around them -- and this only happens when we make the time, and take the time, to listen. 

Steve Jobs said that we shouldn't hire smart people only to tell them what to do; we should hire smart people so that they can tell us what to do.

So, for a leader, listening requires self-awareness, time, effort, vulnerability, and courage.

As Winston Churchill so eloquently put it: “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

Proud to announce that my post was named by the "thoughtLEADERS" website as the "Best Top 10 List" of 2012!

Best Top 10 List: 10 Tough Questions Every Self-Aware Leader Needs to Answer

Todd Cherches shares 10 questions leaders must ask themselves. It’s a two-part post (the first 5 questions are here and the next 5 are here).

How many do you know the answers to?

“People do best, what they like best to do.”

That’s an old adage by Frederick W. Taylor, the original management guru. Seems like common sense, doesn’t it? And yet, so many people hate their jobs.

So why is that?

Well, think about your hobbies. You know, the things you do for fun. Whatever it is, whether it’s playing a sport, a musical instrument, practicing a craft, or whatever, you probably do it for at least one of the following two reasons: you’re good at it and/or you enjoy it. Otherwise, why do it?

If you love doing something, let’s say, playing the guitar – even if you’re not very good at it – you’re going to pick it up and fiddle around with it, spending your spare time practicing, and watching and listening to others play, all in the hope of getting better. Even if you’re not that great and know you’re probably never going to play in a band, you still do it because it’s fun.

Similarly, if you’re good at something, even if it’s balancing your checkbook, you may not love doing it, but because you’re skilled in math and it comes quick-and-easy to you, you don’t really mind doing it.

So, what about something that you love doing AND you’re good at it? Now you’ve hit the magic bulls eye: your passions and your skills are in alignment! Let’s say you love playing tennis and you discovered years ago that you’re pretty good at it. Most likely, with this combination of passion and skill, you enjoyed watching tennis on TV to see how the pros do it, didn’t mind hitting a tennis ball against the wall thousands of times, and got a rush from playing every chance you got.

Over time, your skills grew. And as your skills grew, so did your confidence, which led to your taking on tougher challenges, practicing more, winning against better and better opponents, having fun competing and winning, and enjoying your increased success. No, you’re probably not going to play in the U.S. Open, but you’re at a level that you are proud of and enjoy as you keep working on taking your game to the next level.

Now, what about when you are stuck doing something that you are not good at, and do not like doing? How successful do you think you are going to be?

Probably not very.

And, yet, this describes a lot of people’s jobs. So how does this happen?

Here’s how it happened to me: A number of years ago, I was out of work for a while when I was offered an amazing job as the VP of Business Development and head of the New York office for a leading west coast interactive agency. I was so honored by being hired and excited about working for this innovative company to help them grow their east coast business.

But once the initial excitement wore off, the job itself ended up being much tougher for me than I ever expected as I started just around the time of the dot-com crash when finding new business instantly became tougher and tougher. And, unfortunately, I quickly discovered the hard way that I did not possess the abilities or the personality type required to succeed in this kind of role – especially in this type of market environment.

And, so, as time went on and as I continued to fail, my stress level rose, and I began to like this job less and less, until I could not even bear to get up for work in the morning.

If you’ve ever had a job that you didn’t like AND that you were not good at, you know what I’m talking about. I was set up to fail every day, through nobody’s fault but my own, and I just wanted out. Getting laid off, despite my feeling of loss as I loved the company and the people, actually ended up being a huge relief.

In almost every job, there are going to be aspects of your position that you like more than others, and that you’re better at than others. And, similarly, there are going to be things you are good (or even great at), and things that you are not.

For example, in my current role as head of a management and leadership consulting, training, and coaching firm, I love and feel that I’m pretty good at the consulting, training, and coaching part. What I don’t love, and am not that great at, is the actual running of the business itself (especially, the financial and administrative side).

So, what to do about it?

Taking a look at the Passion/Skill Matrix and thinking about YOUR job:

1. Make a list of all the different things you do on a regular basis; and then

2. Place each of these different things in one of the four boxes.

The things that you Like/Love and are Good At: If you have a lot in that box, you’re incredibly lucky! Try to spend as much time as possible on these things. This is where the intersection of your skills and passions lie, and where you have the greatest potential to leverage your strengths and go from good to great.

The things that you Like or Love to do, but are NOT great at: This is a wonderful developmental opportunity! If you like something, or feel you have potential in this area, you are more likely to work at it by learning more about it, studying, practicing, and seeking out training and coaching. Einstein once said that, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” If you’re passionate about it, keep working at it. You never know how far you might get unless you try.

The things that you Don’t Like to do, but are Good At: Perhaps it’s something you used to like doing, or you just became the “go to” person by default because it comes naturally to you and everyone knows it. Well, this is a great developmental opportunity – for someone else! Here’s where you might be able to take on the role of a mentor or coach by helping someone else develop skills in this area. This is a win-win opportunity that will help someone else to grow while freeing you up to do other things.

And, lastly, the things that you Don’t Like (or Hate!) to do, AND are Not Good At: This is your “Failure Zone”…and you need to do whatever it takes to get out of this box as soon as you can. Again, we all have aspects of our jobs that we may not love, but if you are spending more than 25% of your time in this box, you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of pain and suffering. And, to be honest, if you’re in a job that you really, truly don’t like and that you are really, truly not good at, you’re not doing your employer any favors by staying in this role. Sometimes we stay just for the paycheck, but it’s really hard to sustain that over the long haul. And it’s ultimately going to take its toll on your physical and mental health.

As Dan Pink writes in his book Drive and as he speaks about in this amazing RSAnimate video, people are happiest and most productive when they have three key, intangible things: Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose.

If you are lucky enough to find a job where you spend most of your time with the freedom and flexibility to make your job your own (autonomy); in an environment that allows you to grow and develop into the best you can be (mastery); while doing work that matters (purpose), that’s when you’ve got it made.

As they say, “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.”

When it comes to “rules,” which of the following statements do you most agree with?

(a) Rules are rules…period.
(b) Rules are meant to be broken.
(c) It depends.
(d) All of the above.
(e) None of the above.

While there is no one “right” answer to the above question, the way you respond says a lot about you. The way you think and feel about rules in general will influence the decisions you make and the actions you take in different situations.

Let me tell you about two controversial, thought-provoking, and emotional incidents that occurred in the past week – both of which involved “following the rules” – and see what you think:

Incident #1

While playing softball in Central Park the other night, our manager noticed that one of the players on the other team was wearing baseball cleats with metal spikes which, according to league rules, are not allowed (as someone could potentially get hurt). The player claimed that he didn’t know about this rule, immediately apologized, and went back to the bench to change into his sneakers.

But not so fast! In the opinion of my team’s manager, this opposing player’s blatant and flagrant violation of league rules was too egregious to overlook or forgive. Ignorance of the law is no excuse. And what if he had spiked somebody and they got hurt? To our manager, there was no option but to go strictly by the book and demand that the umpire immediately throw him out of the game.

The fact that it was a minor and inadvertent oversight, that the player apologized for his mistake, that no one got hurt, that a number of the guys on our own team pleaded, “Forget about it, just let him change his shoes and play,” (and that we were already losing 10-2 in the 4th inning) all didn’t seem to matter. According to our manager, “Rules are rules.” No discussion. No debate. No warning. No second chances. One strike and you’re out.

Following the letter of the law, the umpire (sympathetically, apologetically, hesitantly, and incredulously) proceeded to inform the violator that he was sorry but, based on our manager’s demand, there was no choice but to ban him from the rest of the game.

Oh. And in case you were wondering, we went on to lose 20-2 as the angry opposing team, in the spirit of retribution, proceeded to pour it on and make us pay.

Incident #2

Someone posted the following question on a LinkedIn HR discussion group the other day: “I have a team member who is a good worker, but he does not report to the office on time. When I talk to him, he promises to be on time, but that does not last more than 2 or 3 days. Any suggestions?”

The responses came pouring in: “Write him up!”; “Dock his pay”; “Demote him!”; “Put it on his permanent record!”; “Give him a final warning!”; “Show him who’s boss!”; and “Don’t give him any more chances. Fire him immediately. This kind of insubordinate behavior simply cannot be tolerated! He’s got to be made an example of and taught to obey the rules!”

Yup, rules are rules. Or are they?

Let me start by saying that, yes, rules are important. Whether we call them policies, operating procedures, guiding principles, or ground rules, every organization needs to have processes and structure in place or else there would be chaos. Rules enable organizations to be organized. And they let the people within an organization (or a community or society) know what is allowed, and what is expected.

But, reflecting on the two incidents described above, my question is this: might there be times when “The Rules” should be overruled by common sense?

Now, just for clarification, and before instigating any kind of legal backlash, I’m talking about “rules,” not “laws” – which are a separate and more specific (though thematically related) issue. And I’m not talking about safety violations or ethical lapses. I’m talking about situations in which mindlessly and unquestioningly following certain edicts may not necessarily be the best or the right decision.

For example, in the softball incident, did the player on the other team “break the rules?” Yes, officially he did. But two key questions that should be asked are: (1) Was the rule violation intentional or accidental – and does that matter; and (2) how serious a rule violation was it, i.e., was any advantage received or any damage done as a result?

Keeping things in perspective, we’re not talking about a major league player caught taking steroids; we’re talking about a guy playing a fun league game in the park who was discovered to be wearing the wrong kind of shoes.

It was clear and obvious to everyone (including my manager and the umpire) that is was an accidental oversight, there was no intent to deceive, to defraud, or to reap any competitive advantage, and no harm of any kind was done. So, with that being the case, did the punishment (banishment from the game) fit the crime of wearing unsanctioned footwear or might it have been a tad excessive under the circumstances? Was my manager “wrong?” No. But was he “right”? I’ll let you play umpire and make that call.

And in the second example (good performer comes in late, with 90% of the HR mob demanding immediate and severe punishment), there are again two questions that come to mind: (1) What is the context; and (2) What are the specific details?

What jumped out at me and really pushed me over the edge was that everyone’s calling for this guy’s head without having ANY of the information!

From what we know, has this employee been guilty of breaking the rule of “everyone should get to work ‘on time’?” Apparently so. But do we know anything else? No, absolutely nothing!

What type of job are we talking about? Is he a salaried or hourly worker? What exactly does “on time” mean anyway? Is he expected to get there at 9:00am and is showing up at 9:05am, or is it 10:05am? Is he “late” once a week or every single day? How long has this been going on? Two weeks, two months, two years? And what is the reason for, and the impact of, his lateness?

Most importantly, before reporting him to HR and putting him on a disciplinary plan (remember, he has been described as a “good worker”), has the employee’s manager actually sat down and spoken to him one-on-one and heart-to-heart to find out what is going on with him – asking and listening, discussing expectations, making him aware of the business impact of the lateness (e.g., on customers, team members, the organization, and on the manager himself), and exploring possible solutions?

Years ago when I worked for one of the TV networks out in L.A., I was a high performer who had always gotten to work on time — until I hit a week of major car problems that resulted in my being about 30-45 minutes late three days in a row. How did my tyrannical boss address this issue? By saying (and I quote): “I don’t know what the hell is going on with you lately, but I’m sick of your marching in here late. If you can’t start getting here on time, you better start looking for another job.” Wow. So, you can see why I may be a little sensitive and overly empathetic when it comes to this particular example.

But the bottom line is that I was really amazed, and incredibly disappointed, to see how many of the LinkedIn discussion responses were about “policy, policy, policy.” Sad to say, but that’s one of the problems with the HR mentality in many companies, and why so many people (sorry to have to say it) hate HR.

As an honorary HR person who works in the learning and development field, I have seen too many Human Resources professionals who have lost sight of the fact that what we do is supposed to be all about engaging PEOPLE and helping them maximize their performance, productivity and potential – and not simply about setting and enforcing THE RULES, and focusing primarily on policies, processes, and procedures.

The first initial of “HR” stands for “Human,” and we need to deal with people more humanely. The root of the word “policy” is the same as that of “police,” so if HR people want to be viewed as something more than just the company police, perhaps companies need to rethink how we view, deal with, and find a gentle balance between the Rules and our People. Sometimes we need to go by the book; other times we need to go by “common sense.” But, unfortunately, as the saying goes, common sense is not always common practice.

And from a management and leadership perspective, this classic saying by legendary management guru Peter Drucker comes to mind: “Management is about doing things right, leadership is about doing the right thing.”

So when it comes to “The Rules” and the Drucker quote, perhaps we need fewer bureaucrats who rule “by the book,” and more people acting as leaders who are willing to make the tough but fair — and right — call, even if it results in some bending of the rules.

For me, as you may have guessed by now, my answer to the initial question about rules is: “it depends.” And among the multiple things that it may depend on, one of the main things is intent and the ability to wisely distinguish between “the spirit of the rule” and “the letter of the law.”

So the big question is: do “The Rules” rule, or do YOU?

*Two book recommendations on re-thinking “the rules”:

First Break All the Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently
(by Marcus Buckingham)

The Art of Non-Conformity: Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World
(by Chris Guillebeau)

I am proud to report that I am now officially a "thought leader"!

Please see my guest post on leadership expert Mike Figliuolo's excellent thoughtLEADERS blog.

(Mike is the author of one of my new favorite leadership books, "One Piece of Paper.")

Today’s guest post is by Todd Cherches, the CEO of BigBlueGumball.

Here’s Todd…

There’s an old maxim about not answering a question with a question, so I’m not gonna do that. I’m gonna answer a question with TEN questions!

And the question is: How can you become a more “self-aware” leader?

As one of the keys to being an effective leader is self-awareness, here are 10 powerful, thought-provoking, and challenging questions you need to think about – and be ready, willing and able to answer – if you truly want to be a more reflective – and effective – leader:

*To read the full post, please click here for Part 1, and here for Part 2 !